the Vamp Who Stole Christmas
by crazyevildru
Summary: A play on Dr Seuss' book - Spike is a bit uninterested in Christmas


SUMMARY: A classic, Buffy style! As only MY mind could make!  
  
RATING: R (for a couple nasty words)  
  
PAIRING: Just read!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns the characters. I'm just abusing them for a while. And obviously I am NOT Dr. Seuss!  
  
DEDICATION: To My sister who believed! And Vicky who made it better!  
  
FEEDBACK: PLEASE! It means SOOOO much! PLEASE PLEASE!  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Organized Insanity (http://www.geocities.com/crazyevildru/index.htm), otherwise ask me  
  
THANKS TO: the cast and crew of Buffy and Angel certainly. AND TO: Tali, Ryan, Evil Willow, Michelle, zhara, Keesh, Rabbit & my three bitches & the Drusophile.  
  
-The Vamp Who Stole Christmas-  
  
Every Scoob down in Scoob-ville liked Christmas a lot  
  
But the vamp,  
  
Who lived just inside Scoob-ville  
  
Did NOT!  
  
William hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
  
Now, please don't ask why. No Scoob quite knows the reason!  
  
It could be perhaps that his Docs didn't fit right.  
  
It could be that his chip made his head feel too tight.  
  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
  
May have been that his cock was two sizes too small.  
  
He longed for a cock like a big male Scooby  
  
His cock wasn't staff-life, but more 'rubber tube-y'!  
  
But, whatever the reason, his cock or his shoes,  
  
Spike stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Scoobs.  
  
Staring out from his crypt with a sour, fangy frown  
  
At the warm lighted windows all over the town,  
  
For he knew every Scooby in Scoob-ville beneath  
  
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.  
  
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
  
The he growled, with his black nails nervously drumming,  
  
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"  
  
For tomorrow, he knew…  
  
All the Scoob girls and boys  
  
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
  
And then? Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!  
  
Then, the Scoobs, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
  
They would feast on Scoob-pudding, and rare Scoob-roast-beast  
  
Which was something the Vamp couldn't stand in the least!  
  
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!  
  
Every Scoob in the town, the tall and the small,  
  
Would stand side by side, with Christmas bells playing.  
  
They'd stand stake-in-hand. And the Scoobs would start slaying!  
  
They'd slay! And they'd slay!  
  
AND they'd SLAY! SLAY! SLAY! SLAY!  
  
And the more the Vamp thought of this Scoob-Christmas slay,  
  
The more the Vamp thought, "I must stop this whole day!  
  
"Why, for almost three years, I've put up with it now!  
  
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!  
  
… But HOW?!"  
  
Then he got an idea!  
  
An awful idea!  
  
The VAMP GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
  
"I know just what to do!" The Vamp growled deep in his throat.  
  
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.  
  
And he chuckled, and growled, "What a great vampy trick!  
  
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"  
  
"All I need is a reindeer…"  
  
The Vamp looked around.  
  
But, since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.  
  
Did this stop the old vamp?  
  
NO! The Vamp simply said,  
  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll hire one instead!"  
  
So he went off to Willy's and there he did pay  
  
For three chaos demons: reindeer for the day!  
  
THEN  
  
He loaded some old empty sacks and some bree.  
  
On an old stinky carriage and he hitched up the three.  
  
Then the Vamp said, "Giddap!"  
  
And they all started creeping  
  
Toward the homes where the Scoobs  
  
Lay on their beds sleeping!  
  
All the windows were dark. Foggy mist filled the air.  
  
Every Scoob dreamed a sweet dream, nary a care!  
  
When he came to the first little house on the square.  
  
"This is stop number one," the old Fangy Claus hissed  
  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  
  
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
  
But if Santa could do it, then so could our grinch.  
  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
  
Where the little Scoob stockings all hung in a row.  
  
"These stockings," he growled, "are the first things to go!"  
  
Then he slithered and slunk, with a fang smile unpleasant,  
  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
  
Magic books! Pointy stakes! Jasmine! And sage!  
  
Dragon's blood! Crosses! Axes, sharp, fighting rage!  
  
And he stuffed them in bags! Then the vamp, very nimbly,  
  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!  
  
Then he slunk to the fridge. And he took the Scoobs feast!  
  
He took the Scoobs-cookies! He took the roast beast!  
  
He cleaned out the fridge just as quick as a flash!  
  
Why, that Vamp even took their last can of Scoob-hash!  
  
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
  
"And NOW!" growled the vamp, "I will stuff up the tree!"  
  
And the Vamp grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
  
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.  
  
He turned around fast and he saw one of the Scoobies!  
  
Niblet in nightie (and hey, growing boobies!)  
  
The Vamp had been caught by this young Scoob friend  
  
Who'd got out of bed 'cause Xan and An were going again!  
  
She stared at the Vamp and said, "Vampy Claus, why,  
  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"  
  
But, you know, that old Vamp was so smart and so slick  
  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
  
"Why, my sweet nibblet dear," the vampy claus lied,  
  
"Your sister's gone boogots and walloped my hide!  
  
"So I'm taking this tree and just leaving some grass,  
  
"And you can tell your dear sister: stick that up your …  
  
Well, anyway…"  
  
Now Dawnie believed this, so he patted her head  
  
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.  
  
And when Dawnie Scoob was in bed with her cup,  
  
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!  
  
Then the last thing he took  
  
Was a small tiny thong  
  
The slayer had worn  
  
All that week long!  
  
And the one speck of food that he left in the house  
  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse!  
  
THEN  
  
He did the same thing  
  
To the other Scoobs houses  
  
Leaving crumbs much too small  
  
For the other Scoobs mouses!  
  
Now the Scoobs all slept tightly one hour before day  
  
And Spike he was happy, he was getting away!  
  
Both lesbos and heteros who had minds set on marriage  
  
Were nestled in bed when he packed up his carriage!  
  
Packed it up with their presents! The incense! The wrappings!  
  
The stakes! And the roses! The trimmings! The trappings!  
  
The demons (his reindeer) ate every last thing  
  
And the vamp did rejoice in the pain this would bring!  
  
"Ha-Ha to the Scoobs!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.  
  
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!  
  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
  
"Then the Scoobs in the Scoob-house will all cry BOO-HOO!"  
  
"That's a sound," sneered the vamp, "That I simply MUST hear!"  
  
So he paused. And the Vamp put his hand to his ear.  
  
And he did hear a sound coming nearer the door!  
  
He was listening... and then found himself on the floor!  
  
The sound wasn't sad!  
  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
  
It couldn't be so!  
  
But it WAS merry! VERY!  
  
He stared at the Scoobs! Let loose brow-ridge and fang!  
  
Then he shook and jumped up, ready for the gang!  
  
But every Scoob at the Scoob-house, the tall and the small,  
  
Were slaying! Without any weapons at all!  
  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
  
It CAME!  
  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!  
  
And the vamp, with his bumps and his fangs showing proudly,  
  
Stood puzzling and puzzling, and growling loudly.  
  
"It came without crosses! It came without stakes!  
  
"It came with no holy water, and no magic cakes!"  
  
And he puzzled three minutes, 'til his puzzler was sore.  
  
THEN the Vamp saw something that he hadn't before!  
  
That dear slayer, he saw, opened wide to her core.  
  
Maybe with the slayer, he thought, I could have more.  
  
And what happened then?  
  
Well, in Scoob-ville they say  
  
That the Vampy's small cock  
  
Grew three sizes that day!  
  
And cock it grew hard (and that hard-on's a stayer!)  
  
So he wasted no time, and had sex with the Slayer!  
  
He gave back the weapons! And the food for the feast!  
  
And he… he himself  
  
Had tamed the vamp beast!  
  
THE END 


End file.
